10/2/13
Don't Go In The Lightning Bug's Lair #13: Don't Go In the Woods (2010)
Nick (Matt Sbeglia), the flop
haired leader of a band, comes up with an incredible idea. In order to score
their big break, he packs up the band, confiscates their phones (which later he
destroys) and drugs, and takes them deep into a secluded wood to pen the five
songs that will allow them to break into the big time. While I'm still unclear
how roughing it allows one to write better songs, the rest of the band agree to
the venture. Happily, the guys are soon joined by an unexpected gaggle of
girls, and the songwriting soon devolves into passing a guitar around the
campfire. Meanwhile, someone is stalking the band in the woods, and between
musical interludes (which don't pertain to the film or advance the plot one
whit) the guys and gals begin to get wacked by an axe toting baddie. This, of
course, in no way inhibits the desire to sing more songs. 
I've been in quite a few bands
in my time. I've sat through many a songwriting session where I wished that a
masked killer would come chop up some of my band mates. However, if such a
thing occurred, then I can say with absolute certainly that I wouldn't be
coming up with a clever couplet or refrain. I'd be making like somebody mixing
down the low end. I'd get my bass out of there. Naturally, that wouldn't make for
much of a movie (not that this is much of a movie), but the fact that the
characters don't even pause from singing to acknowledge that anything is wrong
until about half their numbers dwindle away, just doesn't make sense. D'Onofrio
himself said it was hard to maintain tension in Don't Go in the Woods because music dispels
tension in the plot. I consider this completely untrue. What he meant was whiny
emo songs make tension impossible, and when your characters don't seem that
concerned about their fate, what chance doesn't the audience have of caring
about their life or death? 
Vincent D'Onofrio would like
folks to think of him as a mixture between Orson Welles (who he portrayed in Tim
Burton's Ed Wood) and Marlon Brando, and there was a time that I wouldn't have
completely disagreed. Of course, that was a time when the role that loomed
largest in my mind when I thought of D'Onofrio was that of the doomed Private
Pyle in Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket. The problem is that he completely
obliterated that image and any memory of his previous work in my mind when he
took on the role of Detective Frank Goren on Law & Order: Criminal Intent.
With his portrayal of the detective who needed only to crane his neck into an
unnatural position in order to solve a crime, Vinnie made it incredibly
hard to take him seriously as an actor due to all the embellishments and ticks
he piled into the character. With Don't Go in the Woods, he's now made it
impossible for me to think of him as a solid film maker. So forget the
Welles-Brando dreams, and stick with interesting character roles like the
noseless fellow from Salton Sea or the weirdo killer in The Cell. 
I'm spending so much time
talking about D'Onofrio because there's precious little else to speak on in
this movie. Lead actor Sbeglia is the only defined character at all, and by
defined, I mean I wanted to punch him in the nose. The only acting worthy of
note doesn't come until the film’s final minute when Eric Bogosian, the actor
and play write who also slummed it on Law & Order: Criminal Intent, shows
up for a minor, minor scene and still outclasses the rest of the actors who had
89 more minutes than him. D'Onofrio made this film in twelve days with a cast
that he stated he found "walking around town". Some of them were
coffee shop workers for crying out loud. I don't need the person making my
Venti Soy White Chocolate Latte, who happens to play a little guitar, also
deciding to take a stab at acting because D'Onofrio is between projects and has
nothing better to do than this and invent new ways to twist his neck. (I can
think of a few ways I would like to twist his neck.) 
So if out of the 14 films I dug
up for this list, this one made it and one other one didn't, just imagine how
bad that other one was. Don't Go in the Woods has plenty more
"don'ts" involved with it outside of the titular advice in where not
to hike. Don't put songs in your musical that have nothing to do with the plot.
If you do, then it's not a musical, but rather a movie with lots of music, like
a concert film from people you've never heard of whom occasionally appear to be
killed. If you do make a slasher like this, don't let all the kills happen off-screen.
I know the budget for this wasn't much, but Vinnie; seriously, you're telling
me that Bill Z. Bub can come up with more fake blood and squibs than you? Don't
make the characters so bland that I didn't know their names and was completely
okay with it. And, finally, don't use the name of a movie made thirty years
earlier and then claim that your title had nothing to do with it. That's just
bullshit, and I don't even have to crane my neck around to figure that one
out.
Don't worry, in a couple days
I'll be back with number 12 on the countdown, and you won't believe the
improvement between this lot and the next.
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I actually caught this one last week and I didn't like it, at all. Tried to, but... it is not a good movie.
ReplyDeleteBummed. I was excited when this popped up on Netflix because the premise just sounded so up my alley. But grr. I probably won't chance it.
ReplyDeleteI actually liked this movie, although I get why you didn't. I enjoyed it more as a creepy fantasy, music video sort of thing, though, than as a traditional movie. I didn't try and take the actions happening on screen literally. I mean no one is going to sing songs while they are being murdered. I just accepted it for what it was, and found I had a good time watching it
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