LADIES NIGHT with Miss Directed and Fran Goria present: Hellride(2008)

The Lair was as quiet as it could be. Too quiet perhaps. As I loafed on my throne and leafed through the newest issue of Videoscope, I wondered if it was such a good idea to send all the guards and staff off to the Lair's Office X-mas Party. Eh, what could happen anyhow. I'm the ruler of the moon, I thought, and that was the last thing that went through my brain before the sack went over my head and I got shoved in a closet. 

Not again! They're trying to take over again! They're invading the lair and making it.....

Yes once again the Ladies of the Lair have taken control and are giving you a female perspective on Genre film. Tonight the ladies have settled down and chosen a movie that seemed to have everything going for it.... produced by Quentin Tarantino... starring Michael Madsen, Dennis Hopper, and David Carradine... a slick new film featuring bad ass bikers, but now that the ladies have chosen they're in for a real....

Hellride (2008) starring Larry Bishop, Michael Madsen, Eric Balfour, Dennis Hopper, and David Carradine. Written and Directed by Larry Bishop. 

Hellride is the story of two badassed rival biker gangs going out to settle the score... maybe? Pistolero (Bishop), the head if the Victors (the good guys?) is seeking out Deuce (Carradine) head of the evil Six-Six-Sixers. Pistolero together with The Gent (Madsen) and Comanche (Balfour) are seeking revenge for the murder of Cherokee Kisum, Comanche's mom and Pistolero's old flame, way back in 1976. With the help of Eddie Zero (Hopper), The Victors set their revenge in motion..sort of...


**The film's tagline is :The Rebellion against all that there is."

**In the 1970's Larry Bishop, son of ratpacker Joey, was in biker-sploitation flicks such as The Savage Seven, Angel Unchained, and Chrome and Hot Leather. 

With a cast like this how can you go wrong? No, really, I'm not kidding, how can you go wrong? Was it the hard to follow and incredibly vague plot line? Or, was it the dialog that tried so desperately to be cool but wasn't? Maybe it was the complete and total absence of kick ass biker action! I mean the title at least promises me a ride, and it may well have been to hell.

There was one good scene in this whole thing involving the Gent and a "get out of jail free card". Seeing as it is the high point, I don't want to say any more about it so as not to spoil it for anyone who might actually see the film. Saying it was the best part, well, it was good, but one scene is not enough to save a movie. Next time I'm in the mood for biker action, I'll just break out She Devils on Wheels, thank you very much.

Fran Goria's Lady Rating

From the beginning of the film it seemed apparent that it would be dialog driven. Not a problem. A whole lot of great movies are. Perhaps my favorite being producer Tarantino's own Reservoir Dogs. However in great movies of that ilk, the dialog actually moves the plot along. With Hellride you have to piece together the plot like it's being guarded by the Illuminati.  

Along the way there was plenty of sex, a couple people get shot, and even some beheading, but call me old fashioned if you have a biker gang war then lots of bikers have to die. I was expecting the streets of Cali to run red just from Michael Madsen cutting off ears. The last stand-off sees a fair amount of blood, but nothing that made me turn away from the screen. Let me put that in context, I turned away from parts of 2000 Maniacs. My other complaint is the shock and awe (or perhaps shoe to the head) approach to symbolism. It left me wanting to crawl into my brain cave and wait for my liberators. By the time I was done trying to figure out what the point was, I didn't want to know. 

All this aside, I have to admit there were parts that were cool. The problem is cool does not drive a movie alone. 

Miss Directed's Lady Rating

Well the Ladies sure had their work cut out for them tonight, and I think overall I was happy enough being stuffed in a closet instead of watching this one. Luckily I broke free just in time to give you folks a weeks worth of X-mas goodies. So stay tuned tomorrow as we light up the Yule Log, break out the Egg Nog, and celebrate the birth of presents, right here on The Lightning Bug's Lair. 

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